Eight ways to make sure the new owners really hate the house you sold them (or at least hate you)

1. Paint exterior being careful to caulk all windows CLOSED and then paint them shut to be sure nobody ever breaks in through a window (at least not without breaking the glass)

2. Leave the electric stove but take all the burners with you

3. Install fancy new GFI outlets in the kitchen and baths but just screw in the outlets without actually attaching the wires

4. Remove all exterior lighting (i.e. porch lights)

5. Rip out your own deck leaving random concrete stairs with no railings

6. Leave a cup of Starbucks coffee hidden in the back of your bathroom vanity until it molds, soaks through the cup and into the vanity and smells like vomit

7. Leave the alarm set but don't give the realtor the code

8. Bury sprinker lines throughout the yard but don't actually attach them to sprinkler heads

Sadly, this post is more of a documentary than a fiction novel. I wish I were this creative.